Marisa (medea10) wrote in 3m10_write,

How To Make It On Television

Author: medea10 
Fandom: Pokemon
Overall Shipping: One-sided Athena x Lance, Mars x Lance
Genre: Comedy, Crack
Rating: PG-13
Summary: In an underground hideout, the four Team Rocket Executives (Apollo, Athena, Lance, and Lambda) make plans to get on the Pokemon anime through a series of stupid events.
Notes: This was basically inspired by a dream I had of these four (also known as Stupid Sexy Rocket Execs). And I've been plotting and planning for about two months for this crack-ish one-shot. Enjoy!

How To Make It On Television

Narrator: Deep in the underground of Goldenrod City we find Team Rocket plotting and planning their next evil deed. What could these heinous villains possibly have up their sleeve?
Apollo: Athena?
Athena: Present.
Apollo: Lance?
Lance: Here!
Apollo: Lambda? (Silence) Lambda… (Lambda laughs) LAMBDA! (Grabs his magazine and hits him on the head) Answer me when I address you!
Lambda: I’m here, I’m here!

Apollo: Now that we’re all present, we can focus on the task at hand. And that plan is to try and make it on television.
Narrator: Are they serious? I thought they had a coup with the Republican Party, but not this.
Apollo: The floor is open to any and all suggestions.
Athena: Well dumbass over here screwed up.
Lance: I screwed up? Whose idea was it to visit the director of Pokemon?
Athena: It might have been my idea to visit the director, but I sure as hell don’t remember telling you to light a bag of crap and put it on his front step.
Lance: It’s to show the director we mean business. We are hardcore bad-ass villains who deserve to be in the anime. A juvenile prank is what we needed to do to send him over the top. He’ll think we are worthy of our own arc and wham!
Athena: I’ll wham you upside the head if you do something stupid like that again!

Apollo: (Clears throat) Moving on. Lance, I’m glad you’re thinking of ways to appeal to the director. (Athena scoffs) But for the love of God, stay away from fire. We can’t risk harming the director. We want him to fear us, but at the same time not try to kill the man.
Lance: Got it. I’ll send him a ransom note. (Pulls out a piece of paper) If you want to see your puppy again, you will put us in the anime.
Apollo: Athena, I believe you wanted to say something.
Athena: Thank you. Gentlemen, after studying past villains, I have come to a massive discovery. Sex sells! We need to show the director what we’ve got! I’ve done a little research on several geek websites and blogs and most of the polls say they love Team Galactic.

Lance: Team Galactic? Hmm… (Groans) You mean we have to dress like those weirdoes?
Apollo: Urk…I agree with Lance on this one Athena. Their outfits are just…blah!
Athena: Boys, we’re not going to dress like those fashion-impaired losers. I’m saying when faced against your opponent, you act devious, cool, flirtatious, and promiscuous.
Lance: Like Mars?
Athena: Exactly Lance! Villains with style!
Lance: Mmm…Oh yeah Mars. Now that gal had the prettiest face. THAT’S IT! We get Mars to convert over to Team Rocket. The director will see that we have Mars and he’ll beg us to come on the anime. And besides, everyone loves a young red-head. (Athena growls)

Athena: I don’t think that would be possible. Besides, after she and those other goons were arrested, I’m pretty sure she said she was going to quit being a villain.
Lance: Are you sure? Maybe I can write her a…
Athena: Let’s get one thing straight Lance. I am the only red-head in this group.
Lance: Maybe if you dye your hair a different color…
Athena: I am not doing that.
Lance: But what if we can get Mars to…
Athena: We are not inviting that Galactic slut into our group!
Lance: But what if we… (Athena boots him out of the chair)
Lambda: OWNED!

Apollo: That’s enough. Okay Lambda, do you have any ideas?
Lambda: Ideas for what? Oh to get on television! Um…Sex?
Athena: I think I covered that.
Lambda: I was thinking if we show our kinky side, we might be able to get on.
Apollo: Kinky?
Lambda: Yeah. I’m reading this manga here and now I have a few cool ideas. Picture this if you will, Athena has plans on dominating the world as the executive of Team Rocket. But she has conflicting issues with her love for Lance. Then, things take a turn for the worse when she finds out that her superior Apollo has the same feelings for Lance. He yearns to kiss him and strip him of his work attire. Athena is finally overtaken by the green-eyed monster and knocks Apollo off. (As Athena) Oh Lance, you’re my one and only. Join me and we will take over the world. (As Lance) Oh Athena, you’re the hardcore bitch I’ve been looking for. (Normal voice) The two of you share a passionate kiss. And then comes the sex scene! (Athena’s jaw drops)

Apollo: I’m going to stop you there before my mind gets any more corrupted.
Lance: Apollo has the hots for me?
Lance: But Lambda said it.
Apollo: It’s just a story that came from his retarded brain.
Lance: And then me with Athena? Hmm…I can see that happening. I mean if she had some work done to her face so that she’d look like Mars, then I would definitely give her a shot.
Lambda: Don’t you want to hear about the sex scene you and Athena will do?
Athena: THAT IS IT! (Athena boots Lambda out of the chair) I’ll teach you to picture me in a sex scene! (Stomps on his back)
Apollo: Break it up you two! (Groans) Lambda, for the stupidest idea yet, you go to your stupid corner. (Lambda sits on a stool facing the wall)
Lambda: No one respects the mind of a creative genius.

Apollo: Okay people, another thing we can appeal to the director is through a motto.
Lance: Wait a sec Apollo. We do not do that!
Apollo: Says who?
Lance: Well…you did! You said that you didn’t want to follow under the other groups of Team Rocket. Like Jessie and James or Cassidy and Butch.
Athena: Plus as villains, never a wise idea to announce your name when you’re trying to get away from the scene of the crime.
Apollo: Okay, so the motto idea is out.
Lambda: A song!
Lance: Song?
Lambda: Yeah, a song! We can all sing a song! Present it to the director and he’ll put us in the anime in no time!
Apollo: Okay Lambda, get out of the stupid corner! Now you want us to do a song?
Lambda: Yeah, it’ll be our trademark!
Lance: Do the song Lambda!

Lambda: (Singing and dancing)
Team Rock-et! Team Rock-et!
From the Kanto Region!
We are looking for status!
We are going to Joh-to!
Team Rock-et! Team Rock-et!
Team Rock-et! Team Rock-et!

Athena: I think that song just killed 10% of everyone’s brain cells in here!
Apollo: What the hell was that?
Lance: Shouldn’t songs rhyme?
Apollo: Team Rocket is serious business Lambda and you’re making us look like dancing jackasses!
Lance: Maybe the song could work if we have Athena dancing her junk like one of those booty-shakers in a music video. Maybe we can ask Mars to… (Athena kicks Lance out of the chair)
Athena: You will feel my wrath! (Stomps on his back)
Lance: Come on Athena! Ow! (The door opens)
Apollo: What is it?
Grunt: We got news. It’s all on here. (Gives Apollo a piece of paper)

Apollo: AH-HA! Listen up troops, we’ve been given English names. (They cheer) I’m sure that once we have our English names down in the games, it won’t be long before we’re in the anime.
Athena: I don’t know why we need them. Most of our names can be used anywhere and everywhere.
Lance: Well except for Lambda.
Athena: What’s his English name, Lunkhead?
Lambda: Hey, I am not a lunkhead!
Athena: Okay fine, how about loser, lumpy, or lag?
Lambda: Why don’t I just start calling you bad names starting with the letter A? Um…ugh…
Athena: Don’t over-think Lambda. Your brain just might set on fire! (Giggles)
Apollo: As I was saying, my new name is…Archer. Hmm…Kind of like the sound of that! Sounds sexy! (Slight cackle) FEAR ME, FOR I AM ARCHER! (Athena grabs the paper)

Athena: Hopefully, I’ll stay the same. HUH? Ariana? I went from two syllables to four?
Lance: I think Ariana is a pretty name. Hopefully they gave me something sexy. What does it say?
Athena: It says here your name is Proton.
Lance: Proton? Wait, why couldn’t I keep the name Lance?
Athena: Probably because the anime already has someone of importance with that name.
Lance: Somebody’s getting a nasty letter! (Pulls out a piece of paper) If you do not change your name to something else, you will never see your puppy again.
Lambda: And my name?
Athena: Petrel.

Lambda: Huh?
Athena: Hmm…No lunkhead? What a shame! (Groans) I am not digging Ariana.
Lance: Proton? Me, Proton? Why God?!
Apollo: I am digging the hell out of Archer. Guys, from now on, we will be using our English names.
Apollo: What’s the matter?
Athena: They suck.
Apollo: No they don’t. Archer is an awesome name!
Lance: That’s just your name. What about ours?
Apollo: Oh, they’re fine for you peons!
Athena: PEON THIS! (Kicks Apollo to the ground)
Apollo: Low blow! You dare to strike your… (Athena cracks her knuckles)
Athena: We are going by our original names. GOT IT?! (A few moments later)

Apollo: Okay folks, we’ve accomplished a bit today. (Athena scoffs)
Lambda: VODKA!
Apollo: Pardon me?
Lambda: One way to get the director’s attention is to get drunk!
Athena: I think your mother dropped you on your head when you were a baby.
Apollo: Bad idea Lambda. If we start drinking, the director will definitely not put us on the anime. I mean, the show is meant for little children. Which would mean we would never get on television!
Lance: How about we get the director good and drunk?
Apollo: Hmm…interesting!

Lambda: YES I CAN SEE IT NOW! Athena in a seducing black dress knocks on the door of the director. In one hand, a bottle of vodka, and in the other are two glasses. Athena gets him good and drunk and BOOM, they are knocking boots.
Athena: FEEL MY BOOT! (Kicks Lambda to the ground)
Lambda: (Groans) After intercourse, he signs a contract for us to be on the anime. Ow.
Apollo: That might work.
Athena: You’re not serious, are you?
Lance: Wait a second! What if the director is…well you know…not…um…
All: Huh? OH.
Athena: If that’s the case, Lance will be the seducing rocket.
Lance: WHAT?! Please Athena, I don’t want to lose my virginity to some guy! Please don’t make me do it!

Athena: You want to end up on television? You’re going to put on a wig and fake tits. I promise to make you look pretty. (Evil cackle)
Lambda: Hmph. If anyone is going to go incognito, it’s going to be me. IT CAN WORK! I can dress like a woman. And if in the middle of it all, I find out he’s gay, I switch out of my woman costume and turn back into a man.
Apollo: Well he is the master of disguise.
Lance: If I don’t have sleep with the guy I’m fine with it.
Lambda: Oh wait. I just remembered something.
Lance: And that is…?
Lambda: The director is happily married. (All groan)
Athena: You could have given us that little detail earlier, you know!

Apollo: Well this last idea is a big flop!
Lambda: (Chuckles) I’ve come up with yet another idea.
Athena: And there he goes again!
Lambda: I saw it in an anime once. Picture this! We get the director! Athena will take him to a bar. I myself will come out wearing a sexy dress and keep pouring him the drinks. Then we have Lance and Apollo take a few snapshots. After a night of drinking and butt-smacking, we will return to our hideout and develop the pictures. After the pictures are developed, we send one of the pictures along with a letter. We blackmail him!
Apollo: It’s deceitful, it’s immoral…and I love it. We are Team Rocket after all! We must live up to our reputation as the bad guys. Whether it be for theft or blackmail. (That night at a bar)

Athena: You sure are a sweet talker aren’t you!
Director: (Laughs) Oh come now! You flatter me! HEY BARKEEP! MORE DRINKS FOR THESE TWO BEAUTIFUL LADIES! (Behind a plant)
Apollo: One thing I can say is that Athena sure can pull off the charm.
Lance: I have theories that before she joined Team Rocket she was either a hostess at a restaurant or a stripper.
Apollo: Just keep taking snapshots. When we send the blackmail to his house tomorrow morning, we’ll have our own spot in the anime in no time.
Lambda: (Girly voice) I’m sure you’d be a blast to work with.
Director: (Drunken) Hey baby, if you want I can put you right in the anime.
Lambda: (Gasp) Oh you sweet, sweet man! Would you be able to do that for us?
Director: Sure thing baby! I’m the director after all! Whatever I say goes!
Lambda: Ooh, strong man!
Athena: (Thinking) Wow! He made it look so simple. (Whispers to Lambda) Get him to sign the contract and we’ll call off the blackmail. (Walks over to the plants)
Apollo: What are you doing?
Athena: The blackmail is off. The director is willing to give us our own spot in the anime. Just as soon as Lambda gets him to sign everything in our contract, we will be set.
Lance: I can taste fame and status already! (A little later at the Rocket HQ)

All: CHEERS! (Clank glasses)
Apollo: Crew, I was afraid for a second that we weren’t going to make it. But I’m glad to have a fine crew as you three. But now we will finally be featured in the anime.
Lance: Well we all owe it to Lambda for his sweet talk.
Lambda: I am the master of disguise. All we gotta do is show up tomorrow with our contract and we’ll start shooting for an upcoming episode. We got his signature right here!
Athena: Oh I’m so happy you’re here! (Takes a look at the paper) Huh?
Lance: What’s wrong?
Athena: These are papers for an alarm clock/radio with the director’s signature all over it.
Lambda: Uh-oh.
Apollo: You’ve got to be kidding me! (Puts his hand over his face)
Athena: Tell me he at least wrote on the real paper!
Lambda: If I don’t, are you going to hurt me?

Apollo: Hold off on the murder! Both me and Lance got pictures on our cameras of you two seducing him. We can go back to our original plan of blackmailing the director.
Lance: That’s right. We’ve got you guys on our cameras! We just gotta pick the juiciest pictures to send. (Apollo grabs Lance’s camera)
Apollo: Hmm…Lance, the goal of this was to take pictures of the director playing grab-ass with both Lambda and Athena. Not just take pictures of Athena. (Blushes) Oh my!
Athena: You little perv!
Apollo: He couldn’t have taken all the pictures of just you. What’s this one?
Lance: It’s a close up of Athena’s butt. (Athena kicks Lance to the ground)
Apollo: I stand corrected. Lucky for you numbskulls, I took pictures too. (Turns on the camera)

Lance: At least I was able to take a straight shot. Your camera handling skills suck!
Apollo: Well we all couldn’t have taken Photography 101 at the community college!
Lance: Still took a better shot than you. Your thumb is in like every shot.
Apollo: There’s got to be a couple of good shots. Ah-ha! Here we go.
Lance: Only one shot?
Athena: It’ll have to do. (Grabs the camera) All we do is send this picture along with a blackmail letter and… (Beep) Huh?
Lance: Oh! You deleted the photo! (Athena’s jaw drops)
Apollo: I’m surrounded by idiots! (Puts his hand over his face)
Athena: All that work…all that work for nothing!
Lance: We’re not gonna be on television now! (Groans)
Lambda: (Clears throat) We can always return to one of my original ideas.
Apollo: What’s that?

Lambda: (Singing and dancing)
Team Rock-et! Team Rock-et!
From the Kanto Region!
We are looking for status!
We are going to Joh-to!
Team Rock-et! Team Rock-et!
Team Rock-et! Team Rock-et!

Come on all! Do it with me!

All: (Unenthusiastic singing and dancing)
Team Rock-et! Team Rock-et!
From the Kanto Region!
We are looking for status!
We are going to Joh-to!

Narrator: Yes it’s true. They are all idiots, aren’t they? But entertaining idiots! Will these fools make it on television? Only time will tell!
Tags: apollo, athena, lambda, lance, pokemon
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